From Silence to Words: Witnessing in Parenting and Psychotherapy

(Translated from the original into English)

Traumatic experiences, especially those like sexual trauma, which carry feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness, are usually not easily put into words. (I also touched on this topic in my article titled Breaking the Silence: The Power of Speaking and Witnessing Trauma, which readers can refer to if they wish.) Often, a person tries to carry these emotions internally, because sharing them frequently involves the risk of being judged, facing these emotions repeatedly, or not being understood.

At this point, a fundamental question arises: In what kind of relational context is it possible for a person to share such heavy emotions? A person can share intense and overwhelming feelings only within a relationship built on trust, acceptance, and understanding. In such a relationship, the individual knows that their emotions will not be judged, that their feelings are bearable and shareable, and that there will be someone alongside them to accompany them with care and presence.

The journey of finding words for one’s emotions often begins in childhood, within the relationship a child has with their parent. For difficult emotions like fear, anger, or shame to be expressed, the parent must first be present with sensitivity, without judgment, and without rushing the child. A parent who tries to understand the child’s feelings, listens patiently, and is ready to share the weight of those emotions, supports the child in safely expressing their inner world and putting feelings into words.

A parent who is a “good witness” opens space for the child’s emotions; they help the child find words for these feelings and convey that no matter how intense they are, they are bearable. In this way, the child experiences that they are not alone, that their feelings can be shared, heard, and endured. This experience strengthens both the child’s awareness of challenging emotions and their capacity for regulation, while also laying the foundation for all future secure relationships. In this way, parental witnessing does more than provide temporary support; it creates the groundwork for secure attachments, close relationships, and emotional resilience throughout the child’s life.

A similar process occurs in psychotherapy. The therapist witnesses the client’s most intense and unutterable emotions, but this witnessing is not passive listening. It is an active relational engagement that patiently waits, respects the client’s pace, and accompanies the emotions without judgment. The therapist’s “containing” presence acts as a temporary holding space for emotions that the client cannot carry alone or finds difficult to bear. The therapist processes, makes sense of, and integrates these entrusted emotions within their own mind and spirit, ultimately offering them back to the client in a form that can be used. In this way, the client experiences, within a safe therapeutic relationship, that even their most unbearable emotions can be articulated, represented in the mind, and acquire new meanings. This process enables the resolution of feelings generated by trauma, the transformation of the meaning attached to experiences, and the reconstruction of the client’s story under the witnessing of another mind and perspective.

Being a good witness means not only hearing but also being able to bear the experience together with the one being witnessed. It involves supporting the other person’s ability to make the weight of their suffering shareable and bearable without minimizing it. Sometimes this requires staying together in silence, sometimes helping put unspeakable emotions into words, and sometimes simply being present without judgment. True witnessing lifts the person’s suffering out of secrecy; by transforming it into words and a shareable experience, it allows both the alleviation of emotional burden and the opening of a path toward transformation and healing.

Author: Clinical Psychologist Pelin Ulutaşlı